One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
