I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
