I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
