The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
