Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
