I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After tacos, we're chasing women.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
