My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
