you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
