2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
