You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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