she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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