all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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