I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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