think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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