do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
