i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
You don't make any sense
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