if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
