You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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