Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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