Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
