I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
