I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
