I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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