you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
