I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
