his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
