I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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