Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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