Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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