Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
