Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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