I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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