Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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