Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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