dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
