I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
