i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
