it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
