Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
