PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
