I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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