when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
