Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
