I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
