I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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