Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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