Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
