my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
