Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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