Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
