i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
